I move objects with my mind. I climb the tallest mountains and slay dragons. I defend my galaxy from ruthless aliens. I am never bored. I am stronger. I am faster. I am G1.

The commercial is the ultimate synthetic product of masculinity, “badassitude,” and computer parts. If you think that sounds like a joke, you’re not wrong. It’s funny, and it’s incredibly sad, because this is what this hardware developer thinks it should do to sell me some marginally better parts for my computer.

And what about boredom? I am never bored. This product will fill a hole in your life. You will never feel alone again. Experiences will fly at you constantly, and the more new ones you purchase, the better you will feel about the hardware buy you made after you saw a sweet commercial on YouTube that made you feel like you might be a cyborg.

We’re in the network culture. We’re all strapped in. God forbid we be bored.